


Touch

by Jonnor



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Awkward, Cute, Dramatic, First Crush, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 07:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6894775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonnor/pseuds/Jonnor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sophomore Jude is crushing on junior Connor really hard, while Connor knows nothing about Jude. How could their lives possibly collide? In the most awkward way, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boom

“On your marks!”

“Get set!”

“Go!”

_Boom._

As soon as hearing the displeasing sound, Jude snapped out of daydreaming.

It was Friday, school had just ended and Taylor, his current best friend (and probably the only friend), asked him to watch the track running practice at school stadium with him. Again. Jude of course hated any kind of sport and the reason why his ‘yes’ was again full of enthusiasm had nothing to do with running, kind of.  

To be completely honest, he would probably love running, but he’s too sport-shy to get up and run in front of people. Or a person. But that was not it. Why he willingly came to watch something sport-related had nothing to do with the sport itself. The reason was simple –

“Jude, are you drooling over guys again?”

_Fuck._

Jude looked around, if anyone could possibly hear her. Yeah, he was out and yeah, he was proud of it, but he wasn’t that kind of person who would wear ‘I’m Gay’ shirt just for the sake of it. Maybe it was just reflexes, or maybe not. But seeing they were deserted, sitting almost all alone somehow calmed him down.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He stated, grinning, knowing it had to be obvious the first moment they sat down.

Taylor rolled her eyes and looked back at the boys running and so did Jude.

“I’ll let it slide. This time.”

If she only knew. If she only knew he wasn’t drooling over guys, but over a one particular guy with perfect sun kissed skin and beautiful hazel eyes (he might or might not stalked his Facebook page to check, multiple times).

The way he was running, the way his body literally floated in the air. He could never get enough of the tireless smile that was showing the white teeth he almost never hid. Everything about him was perfect. Including his body, the muscles shifting under the white sleeveless shirt, the way his legs, hidden in gray tracksuit, carelessly moved while running, the biceps flexing at random times.

It was just too much for Jude to handle. He realized it’s a silly crush. He also knew what’s worse than a silly crush – one-sided crush on a straight guy. Well, most likely straight guy.

Jude was more than sure the boy didn’t lay eyes on him even once. It was pathetic. _He_ was pathetic.

He knew all that, but how come this was the happiest month of his life? How come the daydreaming about this boy helped him so much? If this was how real crushes felt, he didn’t want to have a crush anymore. Or did he?

His head and heart was messing with him. He couldn’t control it. And that wasn’t the only thing he couldn’t control right now. Unfortunately he noticed after seeing Taylor being all red and barely holding back her giggles.

_I’m in too deep._

 

_–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––_

 

After practice ended, they decided to take a walk ho–. He still couldn’t get himself to think of that place as a home.

Taylor lived further from Jude, but relatively both of their houses they lived in were situated close to Anchor Beach.

Before they’d parted ways Taylor shared she won’t be here the whole weekend leaving Jude all alone.

Now he stood in front of the house he was supposed to call a home. And that’s hard for a kid who’s been in multiple foster homes. But Lena and Stef, as they insisted on him to call them, seemed nice. Even their adopted children Mariana and Jesus seemed not to be douchebags like most of the people Jude met in different foster homes. Scratch that, they were seriously nice... surprisingly. He still wasn't used to that welcoming feeling.

Jude smiles wide remembering the conversation from yesterday.

“I know you came here only a month ago and it may be too fast for you, but me and Lena has decided that we want to adopt you, but it’s entirely up to you.” Stef said in one breath and smiled with such genuineness.

“We really like you Jude, and we don’t want to push you, we just want you to know that if you’re okay with it, we will be more than happy to do it.” Lena beamed.

Jude closed his eyes and breathed in through nostrils. How could things change in one month so fast? Everything before September was a disaster and now it’s October and…

_Is this real?_

Jude kept smiling while stepping towards his, one day, home.

How could he say no.

 

_–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––_

 

Saturday morning and Jude lay in his bed holding something very dear to him in his hand. It was nice to have a room just for himself for once. He thought.

He heard probably everyone was already up, but he wasn’t in mood right now. Pretending to sleep was easier solution.

His eyes couldn’t look away from the photo he was holding. It was the only material memory of his mom.

“What happens if they adopt me? Will I forget you? Will you be mad?” Jude whispered to himself and suddenly tear up.

After few moments he added. “I’m such a cry baby.” Jude giggled to himself through tears.

Realization he’s 16 struck through him, such a long time and he’s still not steady... or ready. At least he didn’t feel like that at times.

What he would do just to talk to his mom. About everything. School, Taylor… and yes, his silly crush too.

Jude forced his tear-filled eyes to close.

“You can do this Jude. For her.” He muttered.

It took few minutes to take it all in. He thought about this moment for years. Now was the time to do it. He was safe here.

He determinedly got off from bed, ready to do whatever he wanted to do. Pajamas full-on. The thought of wasting any more time was killing him and he was ready to do _it_ now.

The only thing missing was “ _Eye Of The Tiger_ ” by _Survivor_ playing in background.

The doors were opened by him in a second. He saw the doors to Mariana’s room were opened as well since their rooms (was it his room already?) were situated next to each other. He didn’t want to take any chances, not today.  He marched towards the room still not seeing anything or anyone and started yelling not too loud, but loud enough for her to hear it.

“Mariana, please, could you lend me nail polish? I want to paint my nails!”

The enthusiasm disappeared as soon as he entered Mariana’s room and Jude went from happy to terrified.

She wasn’t alone. Three pairs of eyes were following him and he was about to have a breakdown.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no._

They were just sitting on their bed, Jude didn’t have any idea what they were doing, he was too busy calming himself down. He didn’t want to see their eyebrows-up and chuckling expressions anymore. Without realization, thinking the time simply stopped, Jude unknowingly fiddled with his fingers while looking down at the ground. _Such a nice floor. I wonder where did they–_

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no._

 “Yes, of course, Judicorn. Do you want me to help you?”

_SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT._

Jude’s eyes went even wider if it was possible, his mouth imitated his eyes and he finally forced himself to look at three faces sitting in front of him.

If he could look into mirror right now, he would not be the same Jude. The same pale Jude. He’s more than sure his face was blushed full on tomato-red right now. He's wearing pajamas and must have looked messy and his hair... _OH NO_.

“No I meant my friend is named “My” and I want to paint her nails. I mean it’s just for fun or something I don’t really know. I mean yes, I know. It’s for fun, I just said it, I–“

_Jude, shut up. Shut up. Shut Up._

As this wasn’t embarrassing enough, the silence in the room was already replaced by giggling.

“Yes, I understand, Jude. Don’t worry. “ Mariana claimed while looking straight into his eyes nodding and smiling.

_She probably figured me out. No, no, no, no, no._

Jude just wanted to leave, but then he didn’t. That would make it even worse. What was he supposed to do.

He cannot breathe and Mariana is already giving him the nail polish. _Thanks God for her, she's not questioning me, she’s keeping up the charade._

_That means she knows. No, no, no, no, no._

His eyes didn’t look away from the nail polish, what else was he supposed to look at. At _him_? Seeing him like _this_?! _No_.

Mariana coughed. He knew it was her as she was the only one with girlish voice in the room. Jesus would hardly imitate something like that. Or–

“Anyways. I don’t know if you’ve already met, but–“ Mariana was slowly announcing like it was a long awaiting event of the year. Which truly was, but not like this. It couldn’t be.

Jude was still looking down, fiddling with his fingers again, nail polish already hidden in his pocket.

“–this is Connor–“

“Okay. Bye!” Jude literally interrupted Mariana in middle of her introduction speech of his crush, _of course I already know he’s called Connor Stevens_ , awkwardly beamed like nothing happened _smooth_ , turned away and run to his room searching if it would be too painful to jump out of window from first floor and run away.

_Good job, Jude!_

Little did he know it was a start of something very special.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed and are ready for more chapters!


	2. Blue

Jude was banging his head towards the door in his room.

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

He almost felt like crying. Not because of the embarrassment he had to endure in front of his precious crush who didn’t even know him. It’s been probably 10 minutes and he’s already over that. Somehow he was. Maybe because of the other thing he’s embarrassed of. What was truly bothering him was the shame inside him.

The thing was, Jude always promised he would be true to himself no matter who judged him. And he perfectly broke that promise now.

Jude was seriously conflicted. His feelings were having a war inside. He hated it because he had no power over it. Weakness was ruling his body. He wanted to do something he’d been wanting to do for years – for his mom, and he couldn’t do it only because of someone he doesn’t even know.

_Coward. Coward. Coward._

He was banging his head towards the door even harder now, maybe to realize that none of that daydreaming about Connor would be ever real. But then what was he meant to think about? His happy and unforgettable memories of multiple foster parents? Yeah, not happening.

Maybe… maybe if he’d just ignore the real Connor and continued daydreaming about the one in his head – the perfect one. Not only perfect body and looks, but also perfect personality – kind, gentle, open-minded and also into guys… or only into Jude. Yeah. It for sure would not affect his personal decisions like that.

And all of this didn’t really sound normal. What was happening to him, he didn’t recognize himself.

He suddenly felt so stupid, weak… like it wasn’t him the whole month. It broke his heart, crushes can be unhealthy and now he understood that. Maybe it’s true what they say, _crushes usually last a month_.

Maybe this was what was meant to happen. Or maybe he’s just lying to himself.

Or maybe not.

Jude‘s left hand picked the nail polish from the pocket. It was blue.

He wiped his tears with shaky hand and slowly breathed. Steady. Yeah, he was ready.

“Let’s do this.” Jude muttered with a smile slowly forming on his face.

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

Jude finally dared to enter the bathroom, knowing anyone could come any minute. He didn’t care. He was proud, satisfied with himself to say the least.

This whole procedure felt like he just sobered up from everything, not that he would know what being sober exactly meant. Probably.

He sighed after looking into mirror so long and serious. Did it really come down to this, he felt like a drama queen. Although, he was over Connor completely now and the war paint (war pant, seriously Jude?) possibly helped him with that (or was he thinking that just to persuade his own mind?), he needed to look on point anyways.

Jude checked if his newly-blue nails are dry (he wished he was more experienced at painting), and then grabbed a hair gel.

After few minutes, someone knocked on the door, and Jude didn’t mind. He was ready for whatever or whoever who was behind the door and further.

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

_Connor’s POV_

“Finally.” Connor’s sigh was full of pleasantness.

When Jesus excused himself Connor finally had time to tell Mariana what he’d been thinking about the whole time.

They were sitting on Mariana’s bed playing Monopoly or whatever, he really wasn’t focused anymore and Mariana was eager to hear whatever Connor had to say since his exaggerated sigh filled in the room.

“So…” Connor tried the slow tactic.

“Connor, say it now or bye.” Mariana sassed him.

They’d been pretty great friends since elementary school. One would probably say they’re best friends – they never admitted it both publicly or privately. But she was actually the only one who knew about his secret.

He knew Mariana well, and going slow on her would be pointless.

“So about that Judicorn… I’ve never seen him around.” Connor stupidly smiled and swore he blushed saying that name.

 _Dammit Connor_.

“You like him. I knew it.” Mariana gasped and jumped a little against the mattress she was sitting on.

Connor had to roll his eyes and regretted the decision telling her about it as soon as she started grinning devilishly.

“So… who is he?” He said with a steady tone showing the importance of the question.

“Connor Stevens. I can’t believe this.” Mariana laughed so bad.

Oh, Connor… What did you do?

“Shut up! He’s cute.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he tried to hide his face in his hands.

_God. Why am I so awkwardly embarrassing all of sudden? This is Mariana I’m speaking to. Man up._

“Okay, I won’t laugh anymore. Look at me.” As soon as Connor looked at her she started laughing again.

“Okay, I’m leaving then.” He said half joking half seriously.

“No, no. Okay. Firstly, it’s your fault you’ve been busy with your practices and couldn’t come here sooner. And also obviously you’re ignoring everything happening around in school because of that too.” Mariana sassed and threw a judgmental look at him with intention to make him feel bad a little for neglecting her.

“Secondly, his name’s Jude, he’s 16, Anchor Beach sophomore, been in dozen foster homes. Also my moms will most likely adopt him because he’s obviously cute. Just like you noted.” She barely held back her giggles on that part and continued. “And that’s all I’m going to say. Oh, and he’s gay.”

“Good.” Connor responded smirking, mostly reacting to the last part.

Connor wanted to ask so many other questions, because he cared. He didn’t know why but he did. The way Jude… _Jude, what a beautiful name_ … came in all shocked, so small and shy, God knows why. He just wanted to hug him, comfort him and tell him everything’s alright.

_God, Connor. Stop it._

Yeah, he wanted to ask but he needed to keep it cool after all. No need to give more reasons for Mariana to laugh at him.

“I actually can’t believe you are blushing right now.” Mariana couldn’t resist her last remark as they heard steps approaching. “I feel like a proud mom, you’re growing in front of my eyes.”

“Okay. Bye!” he jokingly said and uncontrollably threw soft pillow her way.

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

_Jude's POV_

“Hold on!” Jude shouted, thinking his voice was loud enough, which in reality probably wasn’t.

It was Jesus. Thanks god.

Without saying anything, Jude passed him and was ready to make peace with whatever shame was still living inside him.

Step by step, he was slowly pacing forward to _the_ room. He was ready to show he’s not ashamed of himself and his painted nails.

The nail polish was firmly hidden in Jude’s grip and he was almost there. Heart beating loudly and unsteady.

“Okay. Bye!”

That was Connor’s voice. He was more than sure. And then it hit him. That was the same thing he said to them before nervously leaving the room. What if he was making fun of him?

Jude should also stop assuming things. He shook his head. _Stop being dramatic_.

He was used to people laughing at him for whatever reason, but other thing was to hear someone he dreamt about a lot mocking him.

And Jude once again caught himself in a lie. He thought he was over him and yet his words are hurting him more than they should… and he’s only assuming. How was that even possible if they didn’t know each other on personal level? They never spoke?

Jude was so embarrassed and he was realizing he would probably regret feeling this way sooner or later.

He waited and then decided to enter the room after all. It was quiet all of sudden. He could feel _his_ eyes on him. Avoiding contact with Connor _the boy of his dreams_ , he went straight ahead to Mariana and passed her the nail polish, not scared to show his nails.

“Thanks.” He said and smiled still feeling little weird.

She wasn’t looking at him. She was looking at Connor and he realized that when she still didn’t pick up the nail polish from his shaky hand.

Mariana was making weird faces Jude wasn’t supposed to see, he guessed and then she turned to him and smiled. And this just didn’t feel right to Jude. Did they just make fun of him _in front of him_? He did not understand, because Mariana wasn’t like that.

“No problem.” She responded, giving him a reassuring smile that everything’s okay, even though it didn’t feel like it.

She didn’t even look at his nails, nor complimented them. Were they that bad or she didn’t just care? Or she pretended not to see them?

His head tried to shake off the awkwardness that run through his head but it couldn’t. It all felt like the multiple schools he’d attended. All the talks behind his back, the laughs, the faces fixed in his mind and the worse parts he rather didn’t want to relive.

That’s why he froze. That’s why when Connor stood up and said “hey Jude” out of nowhere, he assumed it was some sort of mocking they were planning. That’s why he wasn’t polite enough to shake the hand he offered. That’s why he coldly turned away and started walking forward towards doors with blank expression.

Thankfully they didn’t follow him.

_Look at that. That’s so gay._

He wasn’t stable. He wasn’t ready.

_Look at him, so pathetic._

He assumed the worst, because he knew better than that.

_Fag._

The bathroom was luckily empty and the only thing he got in mind was to shut the door and do something he’d regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!


	3. Testing

_Connor POV_

_What does it mean?_

Saying he was worried was an understatement. Jude barely looked at him, he just ignored him right away and left the room. Did he already hate him? _What did I do?_

The question kept repeating in his mind worrying if he’d done something wrong. His head finally came back to reality when he heard Mariana’s voice.

“Maybe he has one of those days. He’s going to be okay.”

He immediately looked at her raising an eyebrow, not sure what she exactly meant by ‘one of those days’.

“No sorry, I’ve already said too much. I’m not supposed to talk about it.” Mariana reacted to Connor’s facial expression trying to sound casually, but the worry in her voice took over.

Connor let out a quiet little sigh.

“Alright.”

It wasn’t alright and he wasn’t going to let it be. On the contrary, he was willing to solve the mystery that was called Jude.

 

\----------------------------

 

_Jude POV_

When Lena came into Jude’s room to announce breakfast is ready, he just told her he’s not feeling well. And she exactly knew what he meant by that. Jude wanted to be left alone and hunger was the last thing he thought about right now. She brought the tray with food to his room anyways. Smelt tasty, but he just couldn't get himself to do anything, but lay in fetal position while thinking about… stuff. To calm himself down.

Jude felt like crying. And he hated it. He hated that the jitteriness flowing through his head and body was there for no reason, whatsoever. He simply overreacted. He admitted it.

Maybe the counseling session, Lena mentioned to him earlier, wasn’t that bad of an idea. He was obviously not okay. And it wasn’t because of his stupid crush. Or was it?

Jude shook his head. He knew exactly what it was about. And admitting it openly, saying those words, would only lead to more pain.

His mind was a complete mess.

He was struggling. He liked to think about how out and proud he was, but none of that was the truth in reality.

Was he true to himself during the whole month? _Yes_. Did he answer truthfully when someone asked about whether he liked boys or girls? _Yes_.  Was he comfortable with it? _Definitely not_.

Somewhere deep inside, he was still the boy from past, still the same. Demons from past were still haunting him. He was ashamed of himself, kind of – he was okay with being gay, but he was definitely not okay sharing this fact. It always made him uncomfortable, knowing he’s being the center of attention as soon as he said three words. Three simple words. ‘I am gay.’ And then that’s the only thing they could see whenever they looked at him. Maybe he was just assuming, again, but that’s how he felt. He couldn’t shake off the feeling of being judged, being looked upon for his sexuality.

That’s why Taylor was the only person he felt comfortable being around with in school. She never asked _it_ and somehow he knew she knew and didn’t care right away. She didn’t judge him and didn’t treat him like a pet. She treated him like a friend.

But sometimes having Taylor beside him didn’t help. Every time someone laughed in class, the thought of being it on his behalf stuck in his mind. The distress he always got after hearing someone ridicule behind his back… it was terrible. Nobody hurt him physically or even verbally in Anchor Beach. For now. Maybe it was because of Lena being a principal? And that’s why he always thought everyone was mocking him only secretly. They didn’t dare to lock him in locker, push him in hallway or assault him verbally like people from previous… experiences did.

In every school he’d ever attended he struggled whether to care what others think or not. And he always stayed true to himself, at least partially, he always did. For his mom. But he regretted it right after something happened to him in school. Right after his foster parents kicked him out every time they found out he’s gay.

This was so far the only place he already felt safe in, he knew he was safe around everyone in this house. They knew he was gay, they didn’t care obviously. He even trusted Mariana and Jesus with it. They wouldn’t make fun of him for being gay, painting nails (hopefully) or spread things about it, not at least in negative way. But Connor didn’t belong in here. It was something that shocked him. It shocked him to see Connor in Mariana’s room. It wasn’t a part of the morning’s plan. _What was he doing here anyway?_ What if he’s going to tell everyone in school he painted his nails?

It was few years since he’d done something like that, and the consequences weren’t pretty.

He shouldn’t had do that ridiculous war paint scene in front of him, he shouldn’t had. Why didn’t he stick with the “My” friend thing and stayed in the room for the rest of Saturday. Everything would be okay now.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

The thoughts were spiraling out of control, one of them being... No... Maybe he just wanted to show off to Connor how brave he was? He didn’t know. He couldn’t understand himself in the moment. If yes, then that’s the most stupid thing he’d ever done. He had nothing to prove to Connor.

_Crushes are stupid._

He needed to hide his face in hands. Everything inside him was heating.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

The hands somehow ended up on the sheet. His eyes scanned the damaged polish on his nails. He couldn’t bear to look at them anymore; it was making him feel anxious. That’s why he roughly scratched the paint out of his nails in bathroom.

“I’m sorry, mom.” He muttered to himself once again, voice of reason whispering to him she probably didn’t see or hear anything from above.

 

\----------------------------

 

The sharp yellow glow could be seen out of window. It’s afternoon and he realized everything got quiet all of sudden. Connor probably left, _finally_.

He was ready to… or not so ready to go out of soon-to-be _his_ room and talk to Lena about the counseling session. He needed to do that, he owed himself that much.

Jude’s heartbeat became irregular when someone knocked on the door.

“Jude, it’s me Mariana. Can I come in?”

Jude deeply exhaled. _Good_.

“Yes!”

Mariana opened the door and automatically took a seat on a bed next to him. She had that warm smile on her face that soothed him every time he saw it. He almost forgot the weird expression she had when he was giving back the nail polish. That expression brought back so many bad memories, not knowing exactly why, but knowing it wasn’t intentional. It still bothered him though and he thought about it multiple times the last few hours... why was she doing it, and mainly why was she showing it to _most likely_ Connor (who else?).

At the beginning of their friendship (were they even friends?) they always sat in silence for few minutes and then talked about different kind of stuff. Sometimes Jude held back, not sharing everything, sometimes he forgot to hold back. He was not entirely sure why he was so doubtful around her. Reflexes? He trusted more Taylor than Mariana, he guessed.

“So I know why you reacted that way back there.” Mariana stated calmly.

Jude’s eyes went wide as he looked over at her. She wore obviously a worried expression on her face.

_I can’t believe she figured it out. Figured out my crush on Connor._

“You didn’t like the color right?”

“What?”

“The color of the nail polish? I borrowed you? That’s why you run away, right?”

_Oh._

“Yes. Of course.” Jude said with such confidence as it was the most obvious thing.

“Okay, let’s go to my room and you can pick the color.” She was already standing waiting for Jude.

“No, no, no, no.” He blurted faster than he was supposed to. _Very smooth, Jude_ …

“Okay, now I know what it is.” She was satisfied saying that, but looking at Jude from above, her expression suddenly shifted.

Jude was quiet, waiting for her revelation, unknowingly fiddling with his fingers again. He was nervous.

“I was just testing you, I’m smarter than that, come on.” She threw him an empathetic smile.

_Testing me? Seriously?_

Jude couldn’t help but roll his tired eyes.

He should know better, it’s Mariana after all. She _is_ smarter than that. _She knows_. He was still waiting for her, though.

“You’re scared how will others react to those nails, right? I saw the nails when I came in, you could've at least used nail polish remover. You have nothing to be scared of though, nobody minds.”

_I’m scared of how will others react at Anchor Beach, and especially scared of Connor’s reaction, that I didn’t kind of have a chance to see – not entirely. I’m scared of the crush I’m having on him, but I just can’t control it. I hate when people look at me and start whispering or laughing, I hate that feeling when I get anxious over little things, I hate when people at school look at me and think ‘he’s that gay guy’._

If he was honest with her, if he didn’t hold back that much, he would tell her that. But he couldn’t.

She figured the part of it. A tiny part of it.

“I just… don’t think I’m ready.” Jude spoke, looking down at his fingers. Lying to her was pointless, he would know.

Mariana knelt in front of him and that took him by surprise, it made him look up. Somehow he knew the eye contact was crucial in the moment.

“One day, you’re going to be. It’s alright, if it’s not today. But when you will, I wanna be the one who will paint them for you. Deal?”

Jude smiled for a brief moment and felt two tears dropping down on his hand.

“Deal.” He beamed letting out a weird sound caused by oh so many mixed emotions he had inside. He was such a cry baby _and_ on top of that a huge mess too.

She stood up and was moving closer to the door when his mind got curious and it was pretty much stronger than him.

“Mariana? Since we’re sharing…” he started and Mariana turned around to look at him, already gripping the door handle.

“Asking just a personal question about _you_ out of curiosity.” Jude felt like he over-emphasized the ‘you’ but he continued anyways. “About that… Caleb guy or whatever he was called from earlier,” _very smooth Jude_ “are you like together together?”

Jude hated himself for this, he should had just bite his tongue, how was this gonna help him in any possible way. He was still impatiently waiting for the answer though. He _needed_ to know.

Mariana slightly opened her mouth and smiled.

“You mean Connor?”

“Oh yeah, him.” Jude couldn’t believe how well he controlled his voice right now.

“No, no… I’m single… _So is Connor_. He’s also…” She suddenly stopped.

_Connor’s single. Connor’s single. Connor’s single._

He didn’t know why (nope, he really didn’t) but this made him happy. And it shouldn’t.

“He’s also?” Jude echoed, not knowing what she intended to say.

“Nothing, sorry. I zoned out. Actually, I didn’t want to tell you at first because you were upset, but since you asked about _him_ , before he left, he wanted me to tell you that he… dig your nails. Bye.”

Mariana announced the whole speech in one breath and smirked before shutting the door, leaving him even more speechless than he was this morning.

He needed to process the whole sentence again. Did she say it? Did he imagine the words?

Yeah, definitely.

‘Since you asked about _him._ ’

_Fuck._

Jude’s expression went blank and his heart beat irregularly. _She knows._

 _‘He_ dig your nails _._ ’

_Fuck._

His expression shifted almost immediately, realizing the meaning of the sentence. Jude also realized the corner of his mouth gave away, not small, but truly a huge smile.

He felt the need to hide his face in hands, even though nobody could see him right now. He just couldn’t believe he could live through 10 different emotion phases in a span of few hours caused by someone he didn’t even know. He hated it.

But he loved it.


	4. Bell

_Mariana’s POV_

Mariana’s laptop pinged, signaling she was receiving a video call. She pulled the laptop onto her lap, while lying in bed and hit the “accept call” button. Connor’s face filled a part of her screen.

“Oh my god, Connor, you look horrible.” Apparently Mariana thought greeting someone was meaningless.

“Well, thank you.” Connor sounded exhausted as he spoke slowly. “After I left yesterday… I needed to practice the rest of Saturday… and then the whole Sunday… and tomorrow is Monday… and I didn’t study at all… I’m gonna fail this year so bad.”

The stress in his voice worried her, she almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“You’re overdoing it. You’re gonna be picked for the relay-race no matter what.” Mariana rolled her eyes, knowing he was fast and on top of that, she was more than sure coach really liked his speed and efforts. Also she knew weekend practices weren’t required.

Connor was absolutely quiet for few seconds.

“It’s all I have, okay?!” He almost yelled.

Mariana carefully examined his facial expression, he looked so defeated… and overdramatic.

_Boys these days…_

Knowing the importance the competition had for Connor, she felt bad for a second but she also knew how stubborn he could be. And not only because of the running thing.

There was some tension, they were looking everywhere but at each other. After their eyes met, they both smiled reassuring everything’s okay. And then looked away again.

_This isn’t probably the best time... Or?_

They were still quiet. And Mariana was going crazy. She didn’t know whether to tell him or not. Or whether to hide, run away and never come back. Why did she do it? God… It was bothering her the whole weekend. She wanted that huge weight of her shoulders.

“Are you alone right now?” She asked.

“Yeah, why?” He also asked, still avoiding eye contact with her.

“I need to tell you… I think I messed up… I mean almost. I’m not sure.” Mariana said looking at Connor. He looked up as soon as she finished the last sentence. Then she continued, knowing she had his full attention. “It’s about Jude.”

She couldn’t read his expression, it was blank.

“Yeah?”

Mariana gulped and stared at him. Maybe if she’s going to reveal everything in one breath and then close the laptop, he would probably not understand anything of what she said and he would most likely kill her tomorrow, but her mind would be crystal clear.

“You know how you told me I should send your regards to Jude about those nails but then you made up your mind?” She started slowly. _Oh boy_.

“Yeah?”

“I kind of told him anyways–”

“Oh. I thought you were going to say something else. I mean I don’t mind, I guess. But what was his reaction? I wanna know.” She could obviously hear the relief in his voice as he smiled all satisfied.

“That’s kind of not the only thing I told hi–”

“Mariana? What happened?”

_Now or never._

_One. Two. Three._

_Mariana, you can do it. Breathe in, but don’t breathe out, just talk instead._

“He… kind of asked about you. Indirectly. I think he… I don’t know. But I told him about the nails but also… almost, see the important word? _Almost_. I almost told him you’re gay, but then I didn’t. And I also kind of told him you’re single, which you are not since you have a beard– I mean girlfriend, which I do not approve of. But that’s not important right now, right. But you should have seen his face when he asked about you– I mean I couldn’t tell him you have a girlfriend, because you kind of don’t. But then I realized she’s coming back from her three-month trip tonight… oh my god three months is a long time, I almost forgot she existed… but then it hit me, she’s gonna be in school tomorrow, and I messed up. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to tell Jude, because he was actually smiling during dinner, maybe because of that? Right? Jude, you like him, the boy from Saturday? You don’t want him to think you’re straight? I mean you could be bi too, but… that’s not the point. Just break up with her, thanks. Please don’t kill me. Love you.” Mariana couldn’t believe even herself she spat the whole plea in one breath, not daring to look at Connor right now.

“Wait, what? MARIA–“ were the last words she heard before closing the laptop and turning off her mobile phone.

Those singing sessions really paid off, but she still breathed heavily.

 

\---------------------

 

_Jude’s POV_

Although it was already October, the sun was still bright… and burning. Despite the heat being just unbearable, Jude wore long sleeved shirt and jeans anyways. He wasn’t really comfortable with showing too much skin some days. And this was one of the days he didn’t feel like it.

Most people found sunny days like this one pleasant in San Diego. Not Jude. He loved when the weather cooled down.

The whole weekend was pretty… interesting and Jude intended to forget it as soon as he’d get _the_ sentence out of his head as well. And that was everything, but possible at the moment.

_Why did he say he liked my nails? Oh my god, he said he liked my nails. Wait, he said he dig my nails. What if Mariana misheard? What if I misheard? What if dig doesn’t mean what I think it does? Did he make fun of me?_

And that was just a part of his weekend thoughts. Now Monday thoughts too.

Even though that made him feel something between nervous and happy, he came to conclusion: Connor Stevens dig his nails.

He dig his nails, but still didn’t paint them back to blue. He wasn’t really sure about it yet. Simply: he was not ready.

The thought forced him to smile whenever the sentence run through his mind though (which was a lot), hoping nobody would see him beaming like an idiot.

Oh no, he’s just smiling now too and can’t control it.

 _Stop it, Jude_.

He was on his way to school, walking with Mariana – which was unusual. And she was unusually quiet too. But he didn’t mind. On the contrary.

Taylor called him earlier that he didn’t have to wait for her since she caught a cold from her family camping trip during weekend. _What am I going to do in classes all alone?_

Mariana offered she would go with him, instead of going as usual with Jesus and his friend – didn’t remember his name, nor cared about it – who had a jeep, and Jude insisted she didn’t have to. But it’s Mariana, she always had her way.

He and Taylor were always quiet during this walk so he could always sort out every thought twirling in his head before the first period. That's why at first, he was pretty much scared thinking about Mariana going with him. But now that she didn’t speak... at all, he actually liked how comfortable it was to be around her in silence. It wasn’t awkward at all.

Now the only thing bothering him was, that he’s going to miss all track-running practices he so loved to watch for the whole month. When he told Lena he’s ready, yeah ready, to go to the counseling session that she mentioned – it drifted onto three sessions a week for the whole month, starting today. With the three days – Monday, Wednesday, Friday, being the days of practices as well, which was going be kind of weird and scary, thinking about it now. _What’s going to happen after Taylor comes back?_ They didn’t miss a single practice when school started one month ago.

He needed to work on his lying skills. Yeah, he was going to keep the sessions a secret, from everyone. Including Mariana and Jesus. Nobody could know, he just felt more comfortable that way. He didn’t need everyone to think he’s more of a weirdo than he already was.

When they finally approached Anchor Beach, Mariana was still sticking with him. _Weird_.

They followed the line of their peers towards the double doors that marked the entrance to the school. The big hall full of lockers and doors was unpleasantly crowded. He only cared about one face, though. Just like every morning during weekdays. This, lunch-break and practices were the only times he could possibly get a glimpse of _him_ as they didn’t have any classes together since he’s a senior (he did not stalk his Facebook page at all).

And here was the part that made him feel stupid the most. He expected that Connor would suddenly talk to him, they’d be friends and everything would be sunshine and rainbows after Connor giving him a single compliment, acknowledging him somehow. And yeah, he thought that. And it lasted till this very moment.

He could hear his own heartbeat. Something he wished he never saw was happening right in front of him and it hit him right in the heart. And it hurt. Oh, how it hurt.

But somehow, after few seconds, probably minutes… he wasn’t sure. Somehow, he knew he couldn’t be so pathetic to consider something he’d imagine for the whole month would actually happen. It was just in his head.

And everything nice about Connor that lived in his heart and mind just burnt and magically disappeared.

There were people walking from every side, but his eyes were fixed just on two.

Connor was kissing a girl. Never saw her but probably his girlfriend, he thought. He was smiling. He was happy.

Somehow, this moment just told him he was too pathetic to think Connor would actually like him or that Connor was actually into boys.

The only hope he had was gone. And he needed to move on.

“I’m sorry, Jude.” His thoughts were interrupted by Mariana’s voice.

All he could hear was still his heartbeat, a noise all around him, _that_ kind of noise that made him cry sometimes and Mariana's voice echoing. _I’m sorry, Jude_. _I'm sorry. I'm._

He could feel his eyes getting teary and he didn’t care. Not anymore.

“What for?” Jude replied coldly and walked away from her, avoiding any confrontation or eye contact.

He needed to go, he didn’t want to be late for class.

The bell rang announcing the start of his first class (and the end of his _most likely_  first crush).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'm sorry for all the build up, but it needed to be done. I can guarantee everything will 'really' really start from now on.


	5. Panic

_Jude POV_

All of the classes he had before lunch break were quite educative. He didn’t have anyone who would distract him. Jude didn’t want to be _that_ person… he just couldn’t help but hope Taylor wouldn’t go to school for a week at least. Not that he wanted her to have a cold, but focusing on something without distraction actually helped him understand the subject matter for once.

During lunch Jude found his way to the table in cafeteria, he and Taylor usually sat all alone at. Now it was just him. Thinking about stuff and also trying to avoid thinking about stuff he’s not supposed to think about.

He wasn’t really hungry and thought about eating apple he held in hand. The lunch as whole didn’t really look… tasty.

Jude got startled when he heard a voice coming out of nowhere. His apple accidentally fell from his hand on table, slowly rolling.

“Jude? Is that you?”

That voice. It was so familiar, but his mind just couldn’t allocate it. So he looked up. And couldn’t believe what he saw.

“Oh my god! Yes, it’s you.” The girl who was standing in front of him over table put her hands over mouth in shock.

He would do the same if he wasn’t confused as to what was she doing in here. Anchor Beach. How? Did he started imagining things?

Jude was just sitting there, stone cold.

She frowned. “Jude, are you okay?”

His anxiety had risen to the point where he was not able to speak, at all. He didn’t trust his voice. It would probably crack by doing so and he didn’t want that. Not in front of her. He needed to be strong.

The problem was that the voice, the face… they weren’t the only familiarity. The clothes and curly hair. He swore he saw that in the morning… different angle… _No_.

“Daria, I’ve been lookin–“ The voice that was coming close with each second stopped simultaneously with his marching. He could feel _his_ eyes landing on him. Jude didn’t look. He knew who it was.

“What are you doing here?” Question probably directed at his… girlfriend?

_No._

“Connor, this is–“ Daria started.

_No._

“Excuse me.” Jude smiled, got off his chair and run as far as he could.

 

\-----------------

 

Praying nobody followed him or saw him, he finally reached the closest boys bathroom and locked himself into a stall avoiding the mirror and his own eyes.

As he sat on the closed toilet seat, he realized he had trouble breathing and was shaking.

_Not again._

He was not sure how long he’d been crying and sobbing when he heard someone sharply opening the door.

“Jude.” It was her. “Jude please, I know you’re in there. I can hear you.”

He sucked in a deep breath and swiped at his cheeks hurriedly, slowly trying to take a control of his breathing.

“Jude, please open it. I just want to talk to you.” Daria insisted.

After few quiet moments, he made a sound of agreement. He leaned his forehead against his palms, trying to calm himself down. _It’s her. He has nothing to worry about._

“Are you alone?” Jude asked with really shaky voice.

Silence.

“Connor, go.”

“But–“

“Go.“

“This is a boy–“

“Connor.”

He was listening to the hassle from inside, they were whispering.

_He_ was there too…  Of course he was there. Who else would arrive just when Jude felt his absolute weakest. The old Jude would probably care few hours ago, but he promised himself he’s over it. He’s over it. Was he?

“I’m alone.” She stated.

Jude carefully unlocked the stall and slowly opened the door. It really was her. The worry in her face looked too familiar.

Daria quickly came in, locked the door right away and knelt in front of Jude. She exactly knew what to do to make him feel safe. She was just the same as he remembered her.

 

\-----------------

 

_Connor POV_

**_[Back to Saturday]_ **

Connor was lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling. He truly regretted everything he shared with Mariana about Jude. He felt so embarrassed reliving the moment over and over again when he actually told her Jude’s cute, which was true. It was a pretty good feeling. The freedom. But after coming home, he just had to come back to reality.

 

\-----------------

 

_**[Back to Sunday]** _

He thought a lot about what Mariana said to him on video call. First thing was he did not understand the half of what she spat; the second… he was scared too. He was mostly mad at her though, but then he was mad at himself too. It was true he was probably thinking about this Jude guy more than he was supposed to, but… everything was just messy right now. It’s not her place to do those things.

He wasn’t mad, he was heated. But then…

‘ _He kind of asked about you’_. Connor couldn’t help but smile. Why was that sentence messing with him so much.

 

\-----------------

 

Maybe he could come out one day to his parents (and to the whole world). Maybe they would surprise him.

They were having dinner, his parents were in middle of conversation and Connor couldn’t help but think about all scenarios that could occur if he told them the truth.

“Could you believe this? My brother told me today his daughter invited _her girlfriend_ to meet them.” His dad said with upsetting voice.

“Hmm.” Mom responded nodding.

“I would kick them both out of my house right away.” Adam added.

Connor almost choked on the carrot he was chewing on right now.

_Being in closet doesn’t sound so bad suddenly._

 

\-----------------

 

_**[Back to Monday]** _

His girlfriend – yes his girlfriend – came back. He loved Daria as a person and a friend and one day he’s going to regret how foolishly he was lying to her. But it’s not that day yet.

Mariana always told him Daria’s gonna get hurt the most. And he tried, oh he tried so many times to fall in love with her somehow. Making out was the furthest they got and that didn’t help him to fall in love with her either.

Why would he be then thinking about Jude’s deep brown eyes while kissing Daria in the school hallway? He was screwed.

When the bell rang, he got a glimpse of Mariana standing few steps away from him, throwing him a judgmental look. He tried to ignore it and go to class he had with Daria.

Funny how mad he got at Mariana on Sunday, yet now he was furious _only_ at himself. _Wimp_.

 

\-----------------

 

“Excuse me.” Jude said.

Connor wasn’t exactly sure what was happening. Why was his girlfriend talking to Jude? Why did she look so worried? Why did _Jude_ looked so worried?

It’s cafeteria, he just wanted to eat.

Five seconds didn’t even pass and Jude was already gone. Third time this happened to Connor. _Talk about luck…_

“This is not good.” Daria trembled, which made Connor look at Daria. Really look.

_What does she mean? Why is she talking like she knows him?_

Before asking any of these questions out loud, she took off all worried, probably running after him. And what was Connor supposed to do other than follower her.

 

\-----------------

 

“Connor.” Daria commanded.

Daria and Jude both wanted him to leave obviously. What was he supposed to do now?

When Connor heard Jude’s sobbing like that inside the stall, all hurt, a chill went through his spine. He still didn’t know what was happening, but he needed to keep it together. He was worried about Jude. It had to be something bad since he never saw Daria sounding that serious. Saying his name so assertively. She never did that.

He opened the door and when closing, he didn’t quite close them completely.

“I’m alone.” Daria stated.

As she entered the stall Jude was in, Connor quietly entered the boys bathroom again.

He wasn’t proud of this moment, but he needed to know what’s happening. Especially with Jude.

“I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck, Jude. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

Both of them whispered with a low voice, but Connor could still hear them from where he stood.

“What happened out there?”

“I’m not even sure right now.”

Connor’s heart clenched, he sounded so confused and fragile. He did not know him at all, but somehow this had a big impact on him.

“Jude, look at me. Show me...”

“See, nothing.”

Connor felt more confused than ever. What was this about?

“Just tell me what’s bothering you. Why did you get so anxious… the last time I saw you like this was when… you know.”

“What are doing here?”

“We can talk about that later… Jude, you know you can trust me.”

What felt like minutes, Jude seemed finally persuaded.

“I just got scared at first… because, you know. You know too much… but I realized I can trust you. It’s just happened.”

“And…” Jude continued and Connor’s heartbeat was right now the only sound, along with them whispering, he heard.

“Is Con-Connor your boyfriend?” Connor got concerned after hearing Jude stuttering saying his name and his jaw was doing the thing, where it moved from side to side whenever he got nervous.

“Yeah, why?”

“I know it sounds so stupid. And it’s just….” Jude’s voice kept cracking. “Sometimes it makes me feel anxious out of nowhere and I just don’t know how to cope with it. So I simply panic.”

“What are you talking about?”

Jude sighed.

“I’ve got a crush on him.”

Jude muttered so quiet Connor’s not sure if he really heard what he heard. Or he just tried to tell that to himself, because he heard it clearly. So clear. He just couldn’t believe what he just had heard. He opened his mouth.

Connor’s breathing became irregular, there was something in Jude’s tone that told him he meant it.

His lips parted. He couldn’t function.

After hearing someone was opening the door, he panicked and run outside, avoiding eye contact with the person who had just entered the boys bathroom.


End file.
